And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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