I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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