Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
