Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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