This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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