So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
