I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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