i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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