i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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