I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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