I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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