I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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