...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
