You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
