It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
