I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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