Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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