I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
