No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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