Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Floor bacon is actually really good
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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