weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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