I puked a lego.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
