I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
