one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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