True but thats because hes a fetus.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
