Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
