Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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