Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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