im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
