i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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