i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
