no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
