I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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