my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
