I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
