were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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