when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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