yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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