I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
