We're facebook friends in real life
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
