I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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