He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
