I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
