You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if only i could text you this smell
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
