Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
