Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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