So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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