She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
