I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
