8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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